“And for the first time I looked into his eyes. They were blue, not light blue, but a darker blue. Not so dark as sapphire blue, not so bright as china blue. They were romantically blue. Lyrically blue. They swam and I swam in them.”

—

“I will apologise for many things that I have done, but I will not apologise for the things that should never be apologised for. …

I will apologise for faithlessness, neglect, deceit, cruelty, unkindness, vanity and meanness, but I will not apologise for the urgings of my genitals nor, most certainly, will I ever apologise for the urgings of my heart. I may regret those urgings, rue them deeply and occasionally damn, blast and wish them to hell, but apologise – no: not where they do no harm.”

“Moab is my Washpot” – Stephen Fry

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进 何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

{楊丞琳 – “曖昧”)

That’s all. Applied Probability exam’s in about 2 hours. *fingers crossed*

These things are all left to the region of regret.

The romantic, emotional self thinks and over-thinks it, sheds a tear or two at the wasted opportunity, the romantic, rose tinted looking back at what could have been. The down to earth, more cynical self tells myself to stop thinking, period, all that coulda, shoulda, woulda rubbish, just get a grip and get on with life.

It is always a fight between these two selves, one hopeful and one protecting the hopeful, dreamy, stupid girl.

Sometimes we move on, and then we remember things that tug at our heart, and we miss what we don’t want to miss, we realise how much we felt, and then we remember to stop remembering, and we move on again.

Quite enjoying what I’m learning – which is a good thing. Really enjoying my time here, doing this and that, really random if I think about it. But, why not. So I got classes 5 days a week – which seems much more than most of the other post grads, although they do have to write more essays, read loads of stuff and things like that, whilst I just go to lectures and get assignments every other week. I go to ceramics class every week now, which is awesome, love it, even though its the third beginners/intro ceramics class I’m attending over the past few years. Trying to go in for painting guidance every Friday, but some Fridays I just want to vegetate after the long day, so I just sit around the kitchen with my flatmates and discuss how we should have a steamboat dinner, and then go for student cinema for £3.

Joined the gym, cos I met a Spanish girl of Korean heritage in one of my lectures and she goes to the gym and so I got motivated to do some training especially after my insane breathlessness and aches after running down the length of the hockey pitch a few times last Sunday in a college match (Wentworth vs James.. obvious defeat for us, they had enough players for rolling subs and we had erm, 9 men. Let’s not talk about the score.). I’m definitely still in the infancy stage of gym attendance, which is regular, because I just paid up my membership fee – psychology of gym attendance, mega true, most gyms have membership levels over capacity! Gotta be a good gym bunny now.

Hanging out with new people -  its been going good. Having fun meeting these interesting people, some very geniusy ones, and also getting to know my flatmates better. And the regular Wednesdays & weekends with Jo, Woz & Cracken, delightful. (: After a long week, we all pretty much just vegetate in front of various screens, tv, computer, iphone, ipad, and just chill. We’re the iPhone family now, very posh.

/

Most times it seems that things just follow the obvious, expected route, and so once again, it was time to dust off my knees and get back on my feet. After the zen stage, its just wondering “wtf” and then putting all those related thoughts at the back of my mind.

Wandering mind as I try my best to study.

York is treating me well, I guess. Until yesterday when it seemed like the wind was ice blowing into my head, and my whole body was starting to freeze. I had to run to class and couldn’t go back and put on ten more layers of clothing, never again! I really should not go shopping when I’m cold – its like not going grocery shopping when hungry – because I’ll buy too much warm shizz, as seen from yesterday’s retail therapy session, although they are all necessary! Haven’t really met many other people yet, apart from my flat mates – they are cute, mostly Chinese girls, well postgrad accommodations seem to be 80% Chinese girls doing TESL – and the other people doing the Conversion Year. Going to join the Active Arts thingy they have in Wentworth college – yay, because it means I get to use the printmaking studio!! Ahh, printing presses, how I have missed you. I’m terrible at using the printing barren and doing it by hand. And I am also going to try my hand at hockey again, after way too long – I hope I don’t expire in the middle of the match, or freeze to death.

But despite the cold, the sun shines gorgeous every morning. A really cheery greeting every morning, and it warms my room up so quick, which really messes with my head when I have to dress for 8 degree weather outside. The view from my room is beautiful though, I love looking out into the open fields, blue skies, changeable clouds.

.

In literature, there are thousands of endings. Some happy, some sad. Some end with a twist. Some stories open the door for something more. And then there are fairytale endings where the girl gets her prince. And endings that turn you introspective about your own life and your place in the world. And then there’s the ending that you saw coming a mile away, and yet somehow still takes you by surprise.

- Gossip Girl

We’re always told to take care of ourselves, to have pride and to stop hurting yourself. All those empowering sayings, words of wisdom, where we’re told to do the right thing, even if it may mean walking away from the handsome boy standing in front of us. Whilst sanity can return, its easier said than done to truly let things go. Words can’t be unsaid, they may seem right, but feel wrong, seem wrong, but feel right, and what does it mean when it neither feels right nor wrong? Memories overflow. Cold nights, warm goodbyes. But you must tell yourself that you can’t keep missing someone who won’t miss you.